i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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