in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
