just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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