It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
