You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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