How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
