I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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