Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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