just come out here and I will go home with you...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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