Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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