this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
there is glitter all over my balls
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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