Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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