I wish I could punch you in the face.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
