Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
