Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
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Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
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Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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