Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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