I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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