I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
