tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
