Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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