I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
