I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Randomize
