My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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