sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
