i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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