had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
