I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
