I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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