Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
