the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
