It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
