I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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