You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
