Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
