alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
