How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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