i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
