best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
