I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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