I'd wear matching sweaters with you
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
