Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.