Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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