I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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