She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
