Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
