I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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