No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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