sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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