i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I love having hate sex.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
