You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
