he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I AM VODKA MAN
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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