Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
