just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
