yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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