I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
