Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
