Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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