last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
