...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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