I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
