I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
