hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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