I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
